


This Is How I'll Remember You

by Chechilia



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Minor Character Death, Multi, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-04 13:09:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12771756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chechilia/pseuds/Chechilia
Summary: There, on a shelf, rest Merlin's glass bottles. They look ordinary, yet each of them contains something precious.Each of them contains a memory.This is the story of Merlin's life, and how it could have but did not end.





	This Is How I'll Remember You

**Author's Note:**

> Thing is, I'm stuck. There's so many things I want to write yet I can't seem to find the words. There's Casino Royale I need to complete, an idea nagging at the back of my mind for The Ones With The Weddings, three others multi-chaptered works and a few minor pieces to finish, and I'm jumping from an idea to another without being able to focus. It's beyond frustrating.
> 
> This fic has been sitting on my computer for a while and I desperately needed to finish something, so consider this a therapy-in-writing fic. I hope you'll enjoy it anyway.
> 
> Additional Warnings : there is, in the fic, mentions of infidelity, suicide, major injury, hospitals, abuse, and the death of a child. The major pairing and endgame is Merlin/Arthur, all the others are minor.

Merlin flattens his hand against the wood, the other being curled around the handle, and pushes outward with some force. The door hasn't been opened in ages, so it is only logical that the lock is reluctant to surrender. But Merlin is nothing if not obstinate, and the door creaks gently as the wooden panel turns on its hinges, revealing the only room in his house he hasn't visited in years.

The attic is dusty, and Merlin sneezes after inhaling a few times, causing a handful of dust bunnies to scatter happily at his feet. He moves his hand along the wall on his left until he finds the light switch, flicking it on and causing a subdued but warm glow to suffuse the room in an adoring embrace. A lonely lightbulb is attached to the ceiling, providing just enough light for Merlin to see by, covering in shadows the diverse items scattered in the room - here a toy from his childhood, there some old clothes, there again a forgotten book he has read once too many times.

A strange atmosphere is permeating the room, as if the air itself is holding its breath, and Merlin's footsteps echo eerily around him as he inches into the attic, closing the door behind him in an attempt at privacy but careful not to let the lock click shut. Navigating around the broken chairs and stained furniture, he walks to the wall the furthest away, pausing when he reaches the shelf supporting his collection of glass bottles.

The latter are of various shapes and sizes, their colors hidden but different for each. Covered as they are with a thin layer of dust, they appear empty, but Merlin knows better : each and every one of them contains something, fragments of dreams and the ache of a heart broken too many times.

They don't look like much, yet they easily qualify as Merlin's most precious possessions.

The brunet gently lifts a hand and brushes his naked fingers against the smooth glass, shivering at the echos from his past start murmuring in his ears. He grabs the first bottle he can reach and sink to his knees. Then, he lets out a soft breath and closes his eyes.

He opens the bottle, and remembers.

***

As a child, Merlin often hears that no one is born to be alone in this world. That there always is someone - anyone - to talk to. To share a life with. To love.

At a time when Earth is a playground and his mother's love is eternal ; at a time the clouds have funny shapes and the birds are singing for him only, Merlin believes it. 

He is young, after all, and has no way of knowing that loneliness will be the only constant in his life. That around him, people will break, objects will die, and always, always he will be left alone with his thoughts and leftover feelings like broken glass in his hands.

When he thinks about it, Merlin scolds himself. It isn't quite true that he's always been alone : he always seems to find companions in the strangest places, a few chosen hearts he gets to link his own to. Those relationships never last, though, and if he doesn't exactly miss the ones who leave, he can't deny that it hurts to hope ; to think, every time, that yes, this is the one, this is the one that will stay - because he is wrong.

He is seven when he learns to live with a bleeding heart - the pain impossible to withstand.

He is seven when he realizes that he is only human.

***

His father is the first to leave him.The first to carve out a hole in his heart, shaped like a bearded man with a warm smile and too rough hands. The first Merlin loses and the first to end up in a glass bottle. His mother gifts him the bottles after the funeral, setting them carefully in front of him as he is crying his heart out because his father left and won't come back. He's puzzled at the time, as she doesn't explain to him what they are for. The bottles are too small to contain water or wine, their shapes too different from one another to be considered ornaments.

Then one day, when it hurts too much to think about his father, so too old at barely seven years, Merlin opens a bottle and shoves his pain inside, alongside the echo of a booming laugh and the ghost of a dragon carved out of wood by his father's hands.

Sometimes, when there is an inexplicable sadness clutching at his heart, Merlin reopens the bottle. He thinks of happiness and belonging and feels the grain of wood against the soft pad of his fingertips, even if his hands are empty.

***

The second person that leaves him isn't a person but a cat. It doesn't make the loss less heartbreaking, it doesn't soften the blow : Kilgarrah has been a constant companion in Merlin's childhood, his fur soft on his grubby hands when his mother hadn't enough money to buy another jar of jam, his paws a comforting touch when he found a dead butterfly in the small garden behind his house. 

Merlin buries the butterfly but bottles up the iridescent colors of its wings, and later pairs it up with the yellow glint of Kilgarrah's eyes, always too knowing, always too wise.

That bottle rests on the shelf alongside the one that reminds him of his father. Merlin opens it when he needs a friend : a soft fur to cry into, a warm body to hold, the reassuring purr of a cat's contentment.

***

One day, Merlin stumbles upon a flower field. It's the neighbor's and it's beautiful : the flowers are bright and their colors vibrant. Their smells remind him of home and Merlin bottles it up, with a few rays of the blinding sun and a chunk of the blue sky. 

This is the bottle he will leave on his mother's grave - a parting gift.

***

Will dies not long after. Years later Merlin won't remember him much : the ghost of a laughter, the smell of leather, and the unshakable sense of having been understood trapped, simmering, in yet another glass bottle. He was Merlin's first real friend, the brother he never had, the closest he had left for family.

This is why, of all the bottles, Will's is the one Merlin will open the less : the memories would hurt too much.

***

He meets Gwen when he least expects it. She is gentle and she is kind and Merlin thinks their friendship eternal, yet he can't help capturing in a bottle the way the sun lights up her brown skin, reflecting on her glowing smile. He knows, deep down, that soon he will be alone again.

Gwen's heart, Merlin thinks, is in the the right place when she leaves : her father is sick and she has to take care of him. He forgets about her eventually, but thinks of her fondly when he gets to fill her bottle with the knowledge that she is happy, despite the way her father's grave put a dent in her smile.

***

Merlin meets her brother, Elyan, by chance. He is dancing in a club and suddenly there is someone holding him close. From Elyan, he learns the truth behind the easiest smiles and experiences many firsts, from alcohol shots to mindless kisses to a fleeting friendship that can't fade through time.

But Elyan becomes a ghost way before he leaves, so his bottle is a swirl of emptiness and half made up fantasies.

***

Lancelot is Merlin's first serious relationship. He is as gentle as Gwen and too noble for his own good, and it's after his death that Merlin chooses to become a doctor. With him Merlin learns what it means to love, to take and give in return, the softness of touches and the true name of desire.

Strangely enough, it is the memory of his kindness, rather than his cries of pleasure, that will stay in Lancelot's bottle. It is no surprise when Merlin also keeps the warmth brought by his first "I love you " : he listens to the sounds when loneliness becomes too much to bear.

Lancelot will leave after Merlin fucked a stranger in a club. From Edwin, Merlin will keep no memories, the too bright light of neons and the smell of drugs mingling with harsh perfumes, the shame of perfunctory pleasure and the weird satisfaction of having a red mark sucked on his neck all smashed to the ground.

But the shards of glass will make Merlin wonder : maybe he cheated on Lancelot and wasn't just too drunk not to tell him. Maybe he drove Lancelot away on purpose.

Maybe he didn't want to lose another part of himself, as he does anyway two months later, when Lancelot disappears during a mission in Iraq.

***

Percival becomes Merlin's rock when he needs it the most. They don't, as many think, become lovers, but Percival stays steadfast in front of Merlin's breakdowns and always takes particular care in cleaning the glass bottles in their shared flat, never once dropping one to the ground. 

It's to thank him that Merlin gives him his mother's favorite jam and a curve of his father's dragon in a bottle, and Percival takes it so reverently that Merlin smiles, unknowingly adding to it the bow of his own lips.

***

Merlin meets Gwaine right after and immediately falls in love, in the way that only Merlin can love : with no feelings at all, because he knows it won't be long before they'll have to part ways.

Gwaine is everything Merlin's past relationship weren't : fun, outgoing, eccentric at times, often drunk, quick to argue and even more to forgive, easy in bed and so, so good as to sometimes make Merlin forget his own name. 

They fuck in every way imaginable and Merlin enjoys every second of it, but isn't surprise in the least when Gwaine leaves with Percival for a trip across the world. They promise to keep in touch, but once they're gone Merlin smiles sadly. He tucks their first postcard into a bottle, along with their brilliant smiles and Gwaine's glorious hair, never missing an occasion to laugh at the memories he keeps of them.

***

Merlin loses his uncle a few months later. Gaius was old but still strong, that's why it comes as a surprise when Merlin discovers him unmoving on the floor of his apartment, on the day of his weekly visit.

From him Merlin chooses to remember the arch of an eyebrow, unconditional love and the smell of medicinal herbs Gaius used to let dry in the backroom of his shop. There are also a few tears, because Merlin needs an anchor and lost his own.

Not too much though : he doesn't want the bottle to burst with it.

***

Freya finds him during a visit at the hospital, where he has to work to complete his studies. She's too thin and too pale but her cheeks are pink and her eyes are bright, so Merlin doesn't see the harm in falling for her.

She smiles a lot and Merlin learns that her lips taste like a first time all over again, like the sweets people sell on the street for children that can't afford them and adults that don't want to buy them. 

Freya dies because Merlin isn't yet a doctor and the sickness that plagues him takes no prisoner. On her grave, he leaves a bottle full of the smell of strawberries and adds his genuine love into it, alongside real colorful flowers and a promise.

From her, Merlin won't keep a bottle : he doesn't need the softness of her touch when all he can remember is the bird's thinness of her wrists as she rested, white as sheets, on her hospital bed - her last home. 

***

He discovers Aithusa not long after, joyously bouncing in his courtyard. She is still a kitten, really, with white fur and guileless blue eyes, but Merlin loves her anyway. Her presence is soothing like the smell of rain and the sound of thunderstorms, and she makes Merlin giggle endlessly and groan in equal measure when she falls asleep on the papers he desperately needs to study.

***

Leon is kind in his affection and open in his friendship : there isn't pleasure between them but trust, and a loyalty running too deep to be named. They share a flat, Doctor Who episodes with bad takeaway and Leon's disastrous cooking.

They also share Merlin's monumental breakdown when he loses his first patient, Leon's blinding fury when he learns that his girlfriend cheated on him, and an earth-shattering shouting match when they discover that none of them payed their rent and that they both risk to be evicted from their home.

They hurt each other but are happy nonetheless, up until Leon has to leave to take over his father's shop in a small town away from Merlin. His fading is much slower than the others but happens anyway, and by the time Merlin has to fill his bottle he knows to add white soft fur and bright blue eyes to the ginger curls and the smell of beer.

Then, he goes back to his hometown to bury Aithusa next to Kilgarrah : he has a feeling they would have loved each other. 

***

He meets Morgana during his last year of study. She's training to be a pediatric surgeon because she hates adults, and wishes she had never grown up. He doesn't like her at first : she doesn't talk much and often drapes herself in a whirlwind of misplaced pride.

His opinion changes when he discovers the reason his most difficult patient finally manages to sleep at night : Morgana reads her stories just before bed, with a voice nearly too soft and funny faces when the story calls for it.

They quickly become close after that, and find out that they are perfect for each other. They're both the smartest of their group, and Morgana takes no shit from him, while he never lets her angry rants and the too knowing glint of her green eyes impress him.

She's the second to learn about Merlin's bottles : she's curious about them and he offers her a bat's shriek as a souvenir. He takes in exchange her delighted smile and the soft trail of her perfectly manicured finger on his skin, but doesn't really mean to add a beat of his heart to the bottle.

Morgana is his first real friend as only Morgana can be, eating cereals with him at three in the morning, talking about boys that don't matter and their studies that they despair of. Her black hair makes her look like a witch and she loves it more than she cares to admit, so when she kills herself over learning her father actually never was so, it's a pumpkin Merlin leaves on her grave, afraid that a broomstick would allow her to fly too far away from his mind.

***

By the time he loses Mordred, he is a certified pediatric surgeon and has experienced many unfair, heartbreaking, downright gutting deaths. Mordred is not different ; yet, Merlin doesn't realize he's crying as he calls the time of death, the kid just finishing to bleed out on the operation table.

Mordred is only one of the many he couldn't save - no one could have, he knows that - but Merlin will forever remember the terrified blue eyes that looked so much like his own and the cracks in the mother's voice when she learns of her child's passing.

Merlin will place the bottle alongside the others after adding to it the shape of a child's toy as an apology, and will not, ever, open it again.

***

Merlin meets Arthur in the waiting room of the hospital. Most of the nurses have gone home, trying to get rid of the flu that had wildly spread in their work environment : this is why it's Merlin who has to tell the man that his father is dead.

He expects pain and he expects sadness. He doesn't understand why the man's shoulders slump in quiet relief when he hears the news. At Merlin's questioning gaze, the man only answers " It was time ". It's then that Merlin notices the slight tremble of the man's limbs, as well as the too fresh scar of cigarette's burn on his left wrist.

Merlin desperately wants to soothe him, so he says " I kept a bottle with my mum's sunshine in it. I could give it to you, if you want. " Arthur looks surprised and declines, but Merlin sees the way he breathes out softly, letting go of a burden too heavy for him to bear.

On a whim Merlin gives Arthur his number, not expecting anything. A week later, the blond shows up at his work and kisses him like a man drowning, and Merlin in his madness lets himself be bent over a desk in an abandoned room and fucked within an inch of his life.

And he knows, he knows that he should have been more careful, that he should have let Arthur go and not fall so hard. That he should have kept a deaf ear to the man's promises and his own dreams of eternal.

It's a bit of a surprise, really, when one day Arthur comes in the hospital, laying on a gurney, heartbeat erratic and barely breathing as he fights not to give in to unconsciousness - the metallic bar through his bleeding chest would make it so easy. 

Arthur finds Merlin's panicked eyes in the assembled crowd and tries to smile reassuringly, but before long he disappears in an emergency room, leaving Merlin alone in the hallway, back slamming hard against the wall as his legs give out from under him.

Moving through the motions, Merlin manages to stagger back into a waiting room and sit on one of the plastic chairs, hugging his chest as he falls apart, between the too bleak walls and the too bright lights.

Merlin's heart lodges himself in his throat when he realizes that this is what it feels like, to die : the love of his life is being ripped away from him, is leaving him once again. It's the first and only time Merlin doesn't think he can handle it.

So he thinks of his remaining bottles, eagerly waiting to be filled, and feels torn apart anew as he realizes that he doesn't know what to make of Arthur's : he wants to keep everything. 

The way the sun shone on his golden hair. The brightness of his blue eyes, so full of love that they more than once robbed Merlin of his breath. The tenderness in his touch, as if Merlin was someone precious, as if he loved him more than life itself. The booming laugh like a braying donkey's and still the most beautiful sound Merlin ever heard. The strength of his arms as he held Merlin close, the caress of his breath against Merlin's ear as he hugged him from behind while Merlin was making breakfast, all his whispers and his I love you's and his secret smiles and Merlin feels so full of him he thinks he'll burst, and it hurts to think about it because he knows it now, with abundant clarity, that Arthur is it for him, that there will never be anyone else.

So Merlin takes a bottle and fills it until he's empty of tears, until he's estranged from his own body and can't feel anything but the wild pulsing of his heart. He goes to the harbor and delicately pushes the bottle on the waves - like a prayer. He knows then, that he would give away every single one of his bottles if it meant spending one more second with Arthur. 

When he returns to the hospital, Merlin learns that Arthur's life is no longer in danger. Relief cuts his strings like it would a puppet's and he slumps on a chair, not knowing if he's even breathing until a careful nurse leads him to Arthur's bedside.

Merlin doesn't cry but takes his hand until he wakes up, and when he finally does, drowsy from the painkillers and a little lost, Merlin kisses him slowly, gently, an apology and a cry of hope.

He will never, in fact, recover Arthur's bottle from the waves, but he won't care : the bottle would have fulfilled his only wish, at last. 

***

Lost in thoughts, Merlin doesn't hear the door to the attic open, nor does he feel Arthur's presence when he kneels behind him and bracket Merlin's body with his own. There are tears streaming down his cheeks and he doesn't realize that he's gasping for air until Arthur orders him to breathe.

His mind is raw. It hurts to relive the memories, the losses so acute they feel like shard of ice in his chest. But Arthur is right there with him, so for the first time he allows himself to mourn, crying in Arthur's arms, sobbing uncontrollably as Arthur soothes him, kissing his neck and murmuring reassuring words in his ear.

" I'm here " he promises. " I'm here. "

And there, feeling the steady pounding of the blond's heart reverberate against his own as he lets himself fall into Arthur's embrace, Merlin knows that he'll never have to be alone again.


End file.
